That amazing feeling, when you are outside and see everything around painted in white, grey, green, brown, orange, more grey and more white. And everything is sparkling in a fading sun or having a light orange colour. When everything is that badly breath-taking that you simply can’t continue with your workout, need to stop for a moment and enjoy that beautifulness around.
Silent forest. Everything around me was quiet, white, and amazing. On that road were in last 24 hours only one car, one horse and me (fresh snow). I haven’t regretted I am in a middle of a forest somewhere and closest civilisation is few kilometres far from me. Notwithstanding, I was there after sunset and last light was around me. I knew, I have still about half an hour of daylight.
Before I leave Lepaa, I absolutely need one after sunset training somewhere in that forest, because it is so amazing. I love it. It will be dark, but I want to see how I can handle it. I want to know. And I am sure, I can do it. I know that forest now, I feel there safe. There is no reason it should change with the darkness.
Should I fear unknown? Probably not. I should have the respect for it and I am sure I have more than the respect of unknown. In my head is still that bad curiosity thing, which leads me even on places and into situations I have considered as dangerous. Rationally, there is nothing to fear. No reason for it.
I have so many ambivalent feelings. When I am outside, I feel so free and happy. Looking on that amazing landscape. Even when is cold, strong blowing wind with hurting snowflakes. It makes me laugh. I feel that cold. I feel it; with cold, I also feel I am alive.
When I am inside, I feel cold often also. Inside is also possibility of hot (very hot) shower and sometimes even sauna. That is something that is worth it. Going outside in a snow with bare feet…
People are often telling me, I am old enough to know what I want. I am not sure yet. I don’t know, what I want. Only I know what I like. That’s all. Do I want what I like, or only enjoy it? Since I am here, I know who is important for me or which things or activities. Few people in the Czech Republic are that important. Most of them are just friends I like to see, that’s all.
Only few things I want to publish, most of it is hidden and shared only with some people. Those strong feelings are not present here. I would like to get rid of them, but it needs somebody close to me to just listen. Physically close to me. Not talking on the internet. That helps, but it is not enough.
I can’t write more… probably, I just need a heartfelt hug.
People were always saying me, that I am different, only the way has changed.