Just thinking post

Maybe I just fell into my autumn thinking melancholy again, maybe I am just with a good people around me, with a good nature…surroundings. I simply don’t know.

Of course, whole my life I made lot of things, that changed me, changed my life, my opinions, my way of thinking or seeing reality. I’ve never been in a group of children with same opinions, same thinking and so on. Every single moment of my life I was just “unique”. I tried a lot to be someone else, to be like the others. To be with them in a group. And at the same time, I failed with that and was just ignoring other people and being myself.

I am enjoying to be alone just with myself, to be in my head. To write down what I am thinking about. Usually I didn’t post it on the internet. But maybe, I just want to have it here. My friends can read it and maybe even understand why I am behaving like this.

I don’t enjoy human contact…with a strangers or people I don’t know well. I am enjoying human contact with very close friends. And that’s the reason why I am all the time saying things like: “Don’t hug me, don’t kiss me (or only kissing the air).” That is very intimate stuff for me and if stranger wants to hug me, it is odd. Few years ago, it was for me same like if you want ask me for a sex. Just hugging. Such normal thing for other people. But I’ve got used to it. I can tolerate it even with total strangers. Still, I don’t like it.

I feel it like “Okay, I am glad to see you again!” only with good friends or with people I know at least well. And when I found hugging as a healing thing? Only with very close friends, family (few of them) and with my boyfriend.

I like to be alone. A lot. I hate loneliness. This is not the same thing. Being alone is way, you can choose. Being lonely is way, which chooses you. You don’t have any other option. Sometimes I feel lonely. In these cases, I usually need to be alone in the nature, or go seeking some company. I do it rarely. I am enjoying company of my friends. Or only being in a group of people I don’t know well and I am just enjoying their company, learning and observing.

I like being with people who have something to offer to me. Not in a material way. But mentally have something, I don’t have. This is the reason why I started to like people with different opinions and angles of view. And usually much older than I am. People in my age generally don’t have anything to offer. Those people are mostly just “too mainstream” and don’t have their own ideas and opinions.

And of course, I started not to have so much strong opinions at all, because lot of them were simply wrong. They were formed by living in a bubble, in my own personal bubble. Lot of those opinions started to form to much more specific way when I stopped reading fiction books. Most of the time I don’t see use for those books. But sometimes, I found some fiction books with deep thoughts in it. Most of those thoughts are just not easily visible, but are there. Still, mostly I am reading scientific books. Those half-scientific written in a form for people or just those very “heavy” scientific studies. It is easy for me to understand them (in my field). And mostly I am reading scientific works in English. Those are simply not translated – usually.

I even started to read fiction in English, but that is very hard for me. All those unnecessary adverbs and adjectives… I need to read it with a dictionary and this is slow. But this is not what I wanted to write. My thoughts just started to run away – again.

I wanted to write about how some people and things are changing my life. Things started to change when I went to high school. More like lyceum. People began to accept that I am not usual one and didn’t made any big deal from it. It just was like that. And I stopped trying to pretend I am someone else. I had big troubles to talk with people. I had lot of bad or very bad experiences with people and about everyone I believed, they are bad. And they had to prove, they are not bad, but just normal. More like “normal”. Majority is weird for me.

On the high school, I even made one thing, which was big deal for me in those days. Now I can laugh to it. In a school canteen, I asked personal for small change in my meal. For me it was very big step forward and I think, from that moment everything has changed.

Another big change started when I went to the university. I was free and I could do almost everything I want to. It was just amazing and perfect. I enjoyed that freedom. And still, I like it, but nowadays I am looking forward to a different milestone in my life.

This summer one of them came. As my friends told me, in four years I changed a lot. I am not afraid to be me anymore. I am just me. You have two options: accept it, or not. Still, I have some reservations in communication and between people I am just careful. I can speak just like that, when I have presentation or I need to prove something. It is easy. It’s just like acting in a theatre. I acted in a “school” theatre. I am nervous usually only when it is graded and I am forced to have nice presentation. I am not good in arguing and negotiations. Only when I feel totally save (like I know everything or lot about that topic) I am not afraid anymore. Why?

At July, I was in Austria for month and half. Just for school praxis. Nice harmonic cultural landscape and unbelievably amazing mountains. I’ve never been higher than in 1602 m above the sea before. Or maybe I was (but as a small kid). It was just amazing to see things, I’ve learned from the books, in real.

And I have met there few very interesting persons. And being there alone without an internet connection or meeting almost anybody was…well…interesting. In some ways, I suffered from loneliness, but after few weeks I started to enjoy it. I had possibility to find some company. Just take my Kickbike and go to the city to watch people. Going through cities and villages was usually enough human contact for me. I didn’t want to talk with them.

Most of the time I was prying: “Don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me.” Because I knew it will be in German and I simply felt ashamed that I am not able to answer correctly and understand well. I tried to speak with people I knew, I will never meet again. It was safe. They didn’t tell me my mistakes. I usually knew them. I usually know them even in English. Especially when I am talking. If I am writing…it doesn’t matter. It is not fluent as I want, there are some mistakes…who cares? I made much more mistakes few years ago.

About those mistakes one person told me: “Don’t be afraid. We made lot of mistakes when we were learning German too. People laughed. We are still doing some mistakes. And almost everything you will say, is used somewhere as a dialect.” They are living in Austria more than 30 years.

I had lot of time to think. About everything. About learning languages, because I was afraid to use English too. This spring I couldn’t say one normal sentence. And now? Much better.

Another thing was: “Don’t underestimate yourself.” I am doing this all the time. I am comparing myself to the best people in the world. I am sometimes perfectionist, sometimes totally opposite. It depends on the mood, time and the topic. I think, this will take lot of time to improve. Now I am losing my confidence about my opinion: “I am useless and don’t know how to do anything.” Now I am in a phase: “In some ways I am little bit better than my friends or schoolmates. In a lot ways, I am much worse.” It will need lot of work. And my opinion to myself is depending on my mood too. When I feel bad, I usually consider myself as a useless idiotic person. When I feel good, or have brilliant mood, I usually consider myself as good, unique person who can do everything.

I have learned there a lot. Not in a gardening or architectural way (as it was intended). But in a social way. How to speak with a client, how to realize things. How to be truly happy from all those small things… By the way, being happy from small things is one of my favourite crazy abilities. Lot people around me dislike this, because my way how show I am happy is little bit childish. But I am happy, why to hide it? Mostly I simply need to moderate myself, because being happy as a child is inappropriate. My friends know I am doing this. They are usually okay with it.

Which small things? Snow is falling. This is just perfect. Grass at spring has that amazing bright green colour. Sun has showed itself. Sun is behind the clouds. Leaves are colouring. Leaves are falling/growing.  Somewhere is a puddle, I need to jump in. I didn’t do it for ages. Is raining. In that gift was dark chocolate. I found new nice sketchbook… And so on. Just those small things in everyday life. How can someone be happy if they don’t see those things?

Oblique question. Why you simply don’t buy that thing and you are creating it? Because I like that process. I like to learn how things works and enjoying the process of creating something. That is just amazing. And if it is not perfect? And? I am not giving it to someone and forcing them to use it. Most of those stuffs I am using by myself and ignoring those flaws. Next time I will do it better. Just normal.

And now, in Finland I am changing again. Maybe even more than before. I feel home. Yes, after few years with feeling like homeless, I started to bring home with me. Not having one specific place I was craving for. This is not possible with my current lifestyle. And maybe I even don’t want it anymore. I am just taking my home with me. In me. Have it in my head by some items, scents, friends or something what is close to me. Mostly only that feeling. But here I feel welcomed. Maybe it is because the people here, maybe not. I’ve visited lot places where people were good, or amazing, but I didn’t felt it as home.

When I arrived from Austria back to Czech Republic, I started to feel empty. Like something big ended, but anything new won’t start. I feel it same after being in nature for a longer time or having very good company somewhere for a longer time. But this was different. It was absolutely like tear out one part of me and don’t fill it again. I felt somehow sad. I was glad, I returned “home”. But was it exactly home? It was our new apartment we rented. Nice one. I like it. I like the place, where it is. But still, in me was emptiness.

What will happen when I will arrive from Finland? I went here for new experiences and to be able end my school which started to be very hard for me. Not in a way how school is usually hard, but in a psychical way. I feel jaded from it. I felt it when I was ending my bachelor studies. But I wanted to continue and end the work and do a master degree. It starts to be harder and harder and I am losing interest in it, I feel overdosed by this school. This should help, but in lot ways it is even harder. I am in school (university) for 5,5 years. Last one and half semester left. This studies are for six years normally. I am not there any semester longer than I must.

Will I be able to end my studies after I return? Will I be able to continue, even when I don’t see point of it at all? When I am not sure if I truly like this field? Yes, I have passion for landscape and botany, but am I able to do it in a professional life? Do I want to? There are still too many questions. One day I am completely sure, I want to do that and next day, I am not convinced about that anymore. I still don’t know what I want and who I am. I need more great persons in my surroundings to help me with that.

Most of those persons don’t know they are important for me. Their opinions are exactly what I want to hear, no matter what they are saying, because sometimes is every opinion helpful. Now I need to have experiences, because experiences are exactly what makes people alive. And experiences with those people makes me think. Makes me think sometimes very deep and evaluate what is truly important. I need more people like this around me. But they are rare.

These rare people are those, who can make me talk even after few minutes or hours of knowing each other. Not just talking, but truly open myself and think loud. To make me speak about things, I’d rather have locked inside me. These people are unbelievably rare. And even when I like somebody, I am usually not able to talk about my “mysteries”. Because after that, I feel vulnerable. And to reveal myself I need someone different. Someone who I can trust. And as I wrote. Those people are very rare. I know less than five those people in my surroundings. And if those persons are reading it, feel glad and honoured. I can’t tell it to just someone.

Even when I want to say it to you, to those trustful persons I feel some reservations. I revealed my true vulnerability only few times in my life. And last time I probably did it last weekend. I don’t regret it.

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